You know those people who sing and hum to whatever is playing on a nearby radio? I hate those people. If I’m walking in a department store and some grandma is singing merrily to whatever X-mas song is blasting over the intercom, my first impulse is to shove her into a clothing rack and stick a hanger down her throat.

This is about the same reaction I have to musicals. People don’t naturally sing and it’s stupid when they do. In “Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”, just about all the dialogue is sung. That’s just fucking great. I mean, there’s a reason I don’t attend dinner theater: it sucks and the class of people there ranks somewhere between ax murderers and trailer trash. People who sing a lot attract a bad element. Take your average church choir. Did you know that more serial killers come from church choirs than from any other organization? (okay, I made that up)

It’s kind of hard to believe that anyone would release “Sweeney Todd” as a holiday movie, but I guess that’s just the kind of venom eight years of the Bush Administration’s version of a theocracy has caused. People would rather watch a barber slash the throats of his customers than celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus the “normal” way - you know, by exchanging gifts that they purchased on their maxed-out credit card. Then again, perhaps it’s not the Bush administration at all, but just the twisted mind of director Tim Burton, whose sole goal is to slander all Christians and their holiday by mocking it through a release of what amounts to a musical horror film. Essentially he’s saying: “Take that, you traditional holiday film goers.”

Sweeney Todd (Johnny Depp), the demon barber of Fleet Street once was a happy man with a beautiful wife and daughter. Unfortunately, he was done wrong by Judge Turpin (Alan Rickman) and Beadle Bamford (Timothy Spall) and sent away to prison. His wife killed herself and their daughter was taken in by the Judge, who waited until she grew into a woman to claim her for himself. Sweeney Todd returns to London, hell bent on revenge. He meets Mrs. Lovett (Helena Bonham Carter) and they form a kind of demon partnership. Sweeney sets up shop upstairs, drops the bodies downstairs, and Mrs. Lovett turns them into meat pies, which are consumed by a thrilled public.

It’s my understanding that Johnny Depp wanted to be a singer before becoming an actor. I’m sure it would have helped if he actually could sing. And look, I understand that Tim Burton’s thing is ghostly-looking actors, but really, does it do anything for his films? I mean, sure, they have that Tim Burton look, but c’mon. I think he mostly does it so he can dress up his wife and make her look like a doll. Did I mention Sacha Baron Cohen makes an appearance. That part of the movie is sort of like an intermission to watch the “Sacha Baron Cohen” comedy tour.

“Sweeney Todd” is a fantastic holiday movie for the whole family – the Manson family.