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Simon, I know a secret--a secret about your best friend, in fact. Yes, I'm talking about the one, the only, Mr. Wonderful. You see, he's different. He's not like all the other boys. Physically, he is 100% normal. Take that shower with him after gym class, and you'll realise this; he'd seem to be just like all the other guys--only, for some reason, he'd be a little bit bigger and just a tad bit firmer than the rest of them. For you see, Simon, Mr. Wonderful is a homosexual.
Lately though, Mr. W's been feeling down. The never ending stag parties, strippers, girbils, one-night stands, and guy-guy sex have ultimately left him unfullfilled. He's been thinking of taking it slow for awhile. In fact, he is contemplating marriage. And I'm happy to report that I'm the lucky girl!
You see, we love each other passionately, Simon. We love each other like no two men ever have. Our feelings for each other are like the undying waters, the timeless mountains, and the omni-present stars on a cool summer's Night. He makes me feel like a man, and like a woman. He is my protector, my heart, and my soul. When he touches me, I burn with passion. When he holds me, I feel so safe. When he kisses me, my heart melts. Without him, I am nothing. Without me, he would die. But together--yes, together--we have have the stength to conquer the world. Truly, Simon, guy-guy relationships can be the most beautiful things on the earthly-realm.
Believe it or not, Simon, Mr. Wonderful's been afraid to tell you his dirty little secret. (Or should I say, BIG secret.) He didn't want you to know Simon--not ever. At times, he's even cried in my arms at the thought of your reaction. As it turns out, his raging harmones and extremely-important friendship with you have manifested themselves into a strong self-loathing. He thinks that he has to hate "HOMOS", and thus himself, to be tough. He thinks that's the only way he'll be accepted. He thinks that's the only way you'll like him.
But, I know Simon. I know that you're a man. I know that, as a true friend, you'll love him like a brother no matter what he does; no matter who he is. I know that show him the support he needs. Can you help him, Simon? Can you help him--nay, us--get through this?
So what I'm trying to say is, Simon, will you be our best man?
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