Much ado has been made in Mr. Cranky's Culture War section of the old left wing - right wing dichotomy, and yours truly has been a participant. But I overheard a conversation the other day that made me forget all about the upcoming epic struggle for our nation's helm between a 70-something old cancer patient who has informed us so many times that he was a POW in Vietnam that even the most patriotic of us are starting not to give a shit and a woman whose primary qualification for the office is that she fucked Bill Clinton (at least once) and who is so uncharismatic that as a female Democratic presidential candidate she couldn't get Oprah Winfrey's endorsement. Let's face it, the left-right "culture war" is over and everyone lost. The right wing among us can drop our campaign to stop consenting adults from doing things in the privacy of their own homes that nobody would even know about if we didn't keep bringing it up; and the left wingers can put aside their war on such hate speech as "Merry Christmas." We need to unite and focus on the real enemy. Did I mention I overheard heard some of them talking the other day?

I was at work and I could hear them on the other side of the cubical wall, some contractors, new to the floor who I hadn't met yet. The words that peaked my interest and got me listening were these: "the funniest movie of all time." Like most visitors to this site, I enjoy movies and think of myself as at least somewhat knowledgeable on the subject. I instantly thought of a variety of candidates that would tell me much about my new neighbors. Were they "Caddyshack" men, or "Pink Panther" fans? "Holy Grail" stalwarts or did they enoy the social commentary of "Trading Places"? Older ("Dr. Strangelove") or younger ("South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut")? I was eager to listen in. It quickly became clear that I was not listening to one man's opinion, but to a dispute! Ah, a cinematic debate - what a great diversion from the grind... And then the bottom dropped out of my stomach when I heard the following words: "'Meet the Spartans'? You're crazy, that was not funnier than 'Scary Movie.'" Let me sum this up and dispel your disbelief: the argument I was overhearing was about whether "Meet the Spartans" or "Scary Movie" was THE FUNNIEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. I could not believe my fucking ears.

If forced to make a list of the 250 funniest movies of all time, I suppose the funniest of the "Scary Movie" franchise might be good filler somewhere in the 230s or 240s. Maybe higher if you didn't let me count "Seinfeld", "Arrested Development" or "The Office" season box-set DVDs as movies. As for the... person... who was arguing for Meet the Spartans, I can only hope that this fuckwit has some long term memory problem and always thinks the last thing he saw was "the best ever." Like he would think "Rambo 2008" was the best war movie ever, and that Scope commercial he saw last night was the best romance movie ever. Like a broken clock, he might even be right once in a while.

Then the third guy chimed in and said he thought "Father of the Bride" was the funniest movie he ever saw. As I rubbed my temples and came to grips with the fact that I was listening to a conversation in which the guy arguing for "Father of the Bride" as funniest movie ever had the strongest argument, it occurred to me that I was seeing the real culture war. These weren't just assholes with blatantly wrong opinions, these were assholes with blatantly wrong opinions and enough disposable income to buy movie tickets! All the while I had blamed Hollywood for spooning out crap, but Hollywood was just doing what everyone else does: the least amount of work necessary to get paid. And they got away with it because people like the ones I was listening to LET THEM GET AWAY WITH IT! They shell out for ever more expensive movie tickets to see ever worse movies and they LOVE IT! Why should Hollywood turn out quality? Where's their incentive? Same goes for music, literature, art, you name it. These are the people, these people of utter tastelessness, who have devalued every artistic medium there is by rewarding the lowest common denominator with their business.

We too often refer to our political differences on social issues as a culture war, but it isn't. Neither gays nor Christians, as groups, are a threat to our culture, they're parts of it. Our culture is manifested in its art, and those who reward the debasing of art are our enemies. I say right now that I have far more in common with a Hillary-supporter who thinks Stalingrad is the best war movie ever made than with a McCain-backer who would argue for Iron Eagle II. I am sure there are liberals out there (even atheist ones) who would be with me in arguing that the Sistene Chapel Ceiling is a far better work of art than a photograph of a crucifix in a toilet.

So the next time you overhear two individuals debating about the best actor of our time, and one argues for John Stamos while the other insists Pauly Shore, just find the heaviest thing you can lift and bash both of their skulls in. Yes, I'm afraid this is going to be a culture war of attrition.