In adapting "Iron Man" to the screen, the filmmakers have cooked up a rather weak-ass conceit that has weapons manufacturer Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) getting captured by Afghan rebels. The rebels, knowing who Stark is, then force him to manufacture weapons for them. Instead of manufacturing weapons, Stark begins building the Iron Man prototype.

Now, despite having cameras on Stark, the rebels are apparently too stupid to figure out that Stark is not building the missile system they want. They stand around their video monitors and babble stuff in Pashtun or whatever, while Stark hides in whatever place the camera can't quite see. So basically, there's a half hour of this movie that involves Stark building a giant iron suit just out of camera range while confused Afghan rebels discuss amongst themselves what he might be doing. Finally, when they do decide it might be worth it to go into the room and see whether or not he's building the missles, it's too late. Tony has built the suit, kicks a bunch of Afghan ass, and escapes.

When he gets back home, his partner at Stark Industries, Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges) welcomes him home. However, we know that Obadiah had something to do with Tony getting captured in the first place because Obadiah is the guy who got screwed over when whiz kid Tony took over the company at twenty-one and because Jeff Bridges looks like that Amish guy who lost his shit one day and buried his butter churner in his neighbor's skull.

Tony, having seen what his weapons do, decides to take the company in a new direction while Obadiah plots to stop him. Stark is given help by his trusty assistant, Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow). Their every interaction screams: "I want to make the first move, but I just don't want to get hurt!"

It's also quite obvious that "Iron Man" is aware of "Iron Man 2", so the filmmakers have Agent Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg) wandering around for what seems no good reason and then there's the scene after the credits involving Samuel L. Jackson. Knowing about this scene, I hung around until the endless credits were over and I had chewed most of my left pinky off. Originally, I thought Iron Man and Mace Windu were going to duke it out, but Jackson is actually a character of some sort, but since I don't read the comics, I felt like I was owed some kind of a refund by whoever suggested I say and wait for that crap in the first place.

Ironically, "Iron Man" kind of goes over like a lead balloon.