If you're thinking of maybe slurping down a mug of Drano or sticking a needle full of cyanide in your iris, I'd suggest you reconsider and watch "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" first. I don't know how bad your life has to be to stick a needle full of cyanide in your eyeball, but watching this movie will probably make you appreciate what little you do have going for you. Of course, that means if you have anything going for you at all and you're not considering offing yourself, you might want to stay away from this, Sidney Lumet's latest effort.

The movie is about two brothers, Andrew and Henry Hanson (Philip Seymour Hoffman and Ethan Hawke) who decide to rob their parents' jewelry store. Basically, both guys have screwed up their lives beyond all belief, but neither has any idea how truly bad things can get.

But first, let me just point out this bit of ridiculousness: the movie opens with Hoffman screwing his wife, Gina (Marisa Tomei), doggie style. How bad can your life be really if you're a dopey lard-ass like Andrew Hanson and Marisa Tomei is your doggie-willing wife? This guy should be leaving his house every morning jumping up and down like a 4-year-old on crack. Even funnier, she's cheating on Andrew with Henry, so Henry is screwing this hot chick too. Me, I'd be happy. These two just continue to screw everything up.

It's Andrew's idea to rob his parents' store. Why he has Henry go do it is anybody's guess, but perhaps that's part of his history of bad decision-making. He has nothing but contempt for his brother and considers him a loser, yet he commissions him to go rob his parents' store, a job he seems destined to screw up the second he's asked. If this plot made any sense, Andrew would have just done the whole thing himself.

And it would be one thing if Henry just screwed it up a little, but his screw-up goes beyond imagination. After that, the depressing scenes just spirals out of control like some bad acid trip. I could have sat in front of my television jabbing a fork into my leg and had more fun.