It's hard to wrap one's mind around the car wreck that is American culture, but one of the latest reality television series to hit the airwaves, "Amish in the City," is sinking about as low as it's possible to go.

Don't get me wrong: It's not like I hold the Amish up as some shining example of Americana nor am I dwelling on their current plight as though it were the newest "Save the Whales" campaign. As far as I'm concerned, they're backwards freaks whose rejection of modern culture gives me chills whenever I turn on my iPod and fire up my Xbox. However, the thing about the Amish is that they don't bother anyone. The Amish don't come knocking on my door to tell me about the superiority of Amish life. They don't try to get me to join their church or buy their bland baked goods or tell me I'm going to hell. They keep to themselves. Thank God. Frankly, that puts them in the .001 percentile of religious groups that deserve a bit of respect.

So apparently, this makes them a perfect target for exploitation. Whatever the stated goal of UPN might be in broadcasting this crap, we all know that the real goal is simply this: "Let's see how badly we can fuck up a group of Amish teenagers by exposing them to the temptations of modern life."

To let UPN off the hook just a little, the whole idea of the Amish partying isn't foreign to their religion. "Rumspringa" is the name for the time when the Amish kids are encouraged to experience the world and decide if they want to remain Amish or descend into the cultural hell that is the real world. Apparently, most of them return to the Amish, which supports the notion that human beings are simply the product of inertia. Amish remain Amish. Christians remain Christians. Jews remain Jews. No matter what stupid stuff we may be taught as children, that's what sticks with us for the rest of our lives.

Rumspringa and potential Bacardi tie-ins aside, this still doesn't excuse this freak show. The premiere episode not only highlights the continuing moronification of American culture, but also exposes our inability to recognize the fictionalization and manipulation in so-called "reality" TV. Case in point: Mose, the hickest of the Amish hicks, goes for a swim and supposedly nearly drowns. He comes back to the beach and his new city pals and begins to cry as he realizes the perilous gap between life and death. He credits his new lease on life to Ariel, the whacked-out vegan who describes eggs as "chicken abortions" for saving him. (Aren't we glad UPN is giving the Amish a realistic look at the American city kid?) Was anyone else thinking this as Mose drowned: Mose, grab the guy who's sticking the camera in your face!! He'll help you! It reminds me of an old Sam Kinison joke about documentaries on starvation: "Couldn't the film crew give that kid a sandwich?"

"Amish in the City" is basically Amish porn. We're not watching to bask in the glow of first experiences. When Kevon teaches Ruth how to swim and her plump, round breasts are heaving up and down in the water as she arches her back, nobody cares that she's learning how to swim. And when Miriam reveals that she used to date Randy, nobody is wondering about the innocence of their romance. Miriam certainly appears to be the wildest of the Amish bunch and we're just waiting for somebody to bend her over a chair. Let's face it: She's hot. Fat, ugly Amish girls does not a reality show make.

Since our television culture is already a swirling cesspool, why not submit to the id of this thing and create reality shows that truly reflect the kind of debased shit people really want to see? Here are a few of my ideas:

• Nuns in Vegas

  A group of cloistered nuns is assigned to run a brothel in Vegas.

  "Tina the Ho is late for work and her john is waiting. What will Sister Mary Beth do?"

• Orphan Kids

  15 kids from orphanages around the country compete for the love of one special family. The winner gets a new home. The losers get the street.

  "Little Timmy never learned the difference between the salad fork and the dinner fork. Will it cost him the love of a new family? Find out Thursday night."

• Sell Your Soul to the Devil

  How much money does it take to make people do things they find morally reprehensible?

  The idea behind this show is pretty simple. You start with a small group of conservative Christians, let's say. The host offers $100 for the first one who will kiss a homosexual. Then they move on to bigger challenges. $1,000 for masturbating in public. A million dollars for having sex with a gay prostitute. How much would you have to pay a priest for streaking across the field during a sports event? Really, the possibilities are endless. Admit it: You'd watch this show, wouldn't you?

• Interbreeding 101

  Biologists try to get odd pairs of animals to have sex and see what comes out. When sex doesn't work, they just mix egg and sperm in the lab.

  Ever wonder what would happen if an Elephant had intercourse with a mouse? This show finally answers that question. I'm confident that modern science can find a way to make this happen.

• Fuck Paris Hilton

  Fifteen studs compete in various games of skill. On a nationally-televised, pay-per-view extravaganza, the winner gets to fuck Paris Hilton. Then the losers get to fuck Paris Hilton.

  Seriously, could you imagine how much money this thing would make? Each contestant is required to submit an entry fee of $1,000 bucks plus the network puts up $10 million. Paris can keep every single cent of the money excluding the commercial sales. If Paris has a sudden attack of modesty, I bet some up-and-coming young starlet might be game. Let's face it: She'd be an overnight star and $10 million dollars richer and the network, pay-per-view channel, and whoever had the DVD rights would earn a fortune.