ENGLAND - Gorgeous film stars can be self-conscious too - that's the message from the set of "Whiteout" where star Kate Beckinsale demanded a body double to shoot a shower scene that focuses on the character's rear end and thighs. Beckinsale was quite open on the set about not liking her body, asking for the body double, which cost approximately $2,000 per day.

However, the model was not hired without a fight. Prior to hiring the model, producers asked to see said ass so they could "fully evaluate so as not to compromise the film's artistic integrity". Beckinsale was required to strip naked and stand in front of "about twenty-five producers", according to an anonymous on set source.

An argument then ensued between the producers and Beckinsale, which nearly led to the star walking off the production. The producers felt the ass was excellent while Beckinsale continued to insist on the body double. Said one of the producers, who wish to remain unnamed: "The ass was plump. It was round. It was quite nice. I don't know what she was upset about."

Said another producer: "She's a very thin girl, so I can kind of see where she was coming from. To be frank, Kate has no ass, but that's what CGI is for. Personally, I like the big booty and Kate has a little booty, but I'm sure we could have overcome the problem given the opportunity."

HOLLYWOOD - Dr. Drew Pinksy, a noted mental health expert and star of "Celebrity Rehab", has declared Tom Cruise mentally ill.

"Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that's a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood - maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect," he writes.

Tom Cruise's lawyers has fired back, calling Pinsky "Unprofessional" and "unqualified.

"Scientology is not a religion for the mentally ill," says Bert Fields. "It's a legitimate religion. It's not like they believe that some alien dictator came to Earth 75 million years ago with his people in a spaceship and then killed them all with hydrogen bombs. I mean, now that would be crazy."

Given his analysis of Cruise, it was only natural that Pinksy was asked for evaluations of some of the other stars attracted to the religion. Pinksy was only too happy to oblige.

"Look at John Travolta," Pinksy said. "His fascination with planes is obviously a phallic manifestation of some trauma from early childhood. Then there's Kirstie Alley. If you combine her attraction to this cult with her weight gain, you have a clear indication that something is bothering her."

Pinsky went on to analyze several other stars who adhere to the religion, like Lisa Marie Presley, Giovanni Ribisi, and Isaac Hayes, calling them "damaged". He finished with a brief analysis of Juliette Lewis.

"That girl is just frackin' nuts. I mean, what more needs to be said?"

LONDON, England - Amy Winehouse, the British pop star embroiled in a series of mishaps and rehabilitation stints, has apologized for her latest gaffe - a video in which she's heard singing numerous racial slurs to the tune of a children's nursery rhyme. It was allegedly filmed in 2007 by Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil.

Winehouse apologized to paparazzi gathered in front of her house and took questions afterward.

"I don't want to play anything down, but I'm the least racist person going," Winehouse said. She then began taking questions from the gathered reporters.

"Ms. Winehouse, some investigation has turned up that this isn't your first racially charged incident and that this is merely a pattern?"

"Absolutely untrue," Winehouse said, using her hands to stretch the corner of her eyes and mock the Asian reporter. "Next question. The darkie with the kike nose."

"Yes, ma'am," the reporter said. "How do you respond to charges that this is merely one of another in a long line of mishaps that is hardly an aberration but a defining part of your character?"

"Nigger, please," Winehouse responded. "This is over."

HOLLYWOOD - Actress Anne Heche has reached a divorce settlement with ex-husband Coley Laffoon following bitter negotiations. The settlement includes a lump sum payment of $275,000 and $3,700/month in child support. However, Heche has been grumbling about support payments claiming that now that her television show "Men in Trees" has been cancelled, she no longer has money coming in and is basically broke.

"I have no money," a teary-eyed Heche said from the confines of a salon chair at Chez Magnifique, one of Beverly Hills most notorious celebrity make-over spots where her facial alone cost $5,000. "There's no way I can pay."

Heche has charged that Laffoon would regularly scour the Internet for porn and frequent strip clubs. Laffoon countered that, as if it was some kind of news, Heche was mentaly unstable. Responding to Laffoon's charges of her mental instability, Heche laughed and then proceeded to urinate on the floor of the salon. Laffoon responded to Heche's charges with a shrug. "If there's somebody in this world who doesn't surf the net for porn, I'd like to meet him."

Heche also agreed to pay seventy-five percent of the couple's son's private school tuition, a cost she said, which would have to come from future endeavors.

"There's nothing coming in," she said. "If I don't get work soon, I might have to sell my body to science."

Asked why in the world she would think that marrying a guy with the last name Laffoon would ever work out, Heche provided no answers.

HOLLYWOOD - After media outlets reported a false ending to director McG's installment of the Terminator franchise, the 4th, titled "Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins," he lashed out at them, saying that only three people know the ending. However, he recently had a change of heart and decided to reveal some plot details about the highly secretive film.

"It takes place after the nuclear holocaust where John Connor must fight to save the rest of humanity from the machines," said the director, whose "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" was such a filmmaking abomination that it's nothing short of a miracle he's directing anything else, much less a "Terminator" film, which just sort of goes to show you how long Hollywood will drag something through the mud before it concludes a franchise is worthless.

"John is losing the war against the machines, but one night he has a vision, and he wakes up the next morning and uses that vision to rally the remaining humans to fight harder and better and more dirty than ever before."

"Then they fight harder, dirtier, and better than ever before, but then the machines send a killer robot back into the past to kill his mother, so he sends somebody back into the past to stop it. Then all this happens over and over again until the universe just explodes, man! And there will be really cool music to accompany the whole thing and it'll be loud."

LONDON, England - Jerry Hall, the 51-year-old model who was formerly married to Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jaggar will not date so that her 10-year-old son, Gabriel, will not kill himself.

"This is being blown way out of proportion," Hall said. "Gabriel gets very angry with me if I work too much. And he absolutely hates the idea of me having a boyfriend. He says, 'If you get a boyfriend, I will kill myself.'"

Hall went on to explain that this was normal behavior for a 10-year-old, saying that young Gabriel threatens to kill himself all the time. "He'll say things like 'If I don't get a Wii, I will kill myself' and 'If you don't let me play my drums in the living room, I will kill myself.' I think young kids threaten to kill themselves all the time without really knowing what it means. Sure, he's put a shotgun in his mouth a few times, but he can't even reach the trigger, so what's the harm?"

Unfortunately, London child psychologist Mitchell Eisenhart disagrees and has alerted London social workers.

"It is actually not that common for young children to threaten to kill themselves. Clearly, Gabriel has some issues that need to be addressed."

Mick Jaggar could not be reached for comment.

LOS ANGELES - Last week, the 50-year-old actress suggested that the earthquake of May 12 in China, which has killed thousands and displaced and injured even more, might be the result of karma because the government has treated Tibet so poorly. The comments prompted the founder of one of China's biggest cinema chains to ban her films.

"I'm not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don't think anyone should be unkind to anyone else," Stone said Thursday during a Cannes Film Festival red-carpet interview with Hong Kong's Cable Entertainment News. "And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you're not nice that the bad things happen to you?"

"If I understand Ms. Stone correctly," Xian Do To, the owner of the theatre chain said through an interpreter, "she's saying that all these people deserve to be dead because of China's treatment of Tibet. I also understand that Ms. Stone, according to her statements, believes that no person should be unkind to any other person. If this is true, how does Ms. Stone explain 'Basic Instinct 2', "Catwoman', "Cold Creek Manor', 'The Muse', 'Sphere', and 'Sliver'?

"Let's face it," Xian went on to say, "if Ms. Stone's only unkind contribution to the world was 'Sliver' she would be immediately hit by a bus tomorrow and her lifeless corpse dragged through the streets of Los Angeles until it disintegrated into a billion pieces that were then eaten by bugs who all died as a result, throwing the world's ecosystem into imbalance and killing us all."

NEW YORK CITY - After months of neighbors complaining about their late-night, hard-partying antics, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have finally found the perfect abode for their lifestyle. After completing the sale of their New York City penthouse, the twins will move into their new dream home, which they've purchased from Barbie for an undisclosed amount of money.

"It has everything we want," Mary-Kate said. "The big, beautiful three-story home is every girl's dream. The grand entrance with its dramatic winding staircase opens up to lots of rooms. It's perfect for entertaining friends or just relaxing. Realistic sounds like a stove that sizzles, doorbell, even a flushing toilet and two songs on the house intercom are awesome! I love the gourmet-style kitchen with plenty of storage and that it comes with all the popular conveniences."

Ashley was even more enthusiastic: "I love everything about it. I can't wait to soak in the sizzlin' spa. It's so easy to rearrange things the way we like them."

Barbie, who was reached through her spokesperson, said that she was sad to part with the house, but that at her age, the space was a little too much for her and she could no longer handle the lifestyle. Barbie planned to move into a retirement community and wished the Olsen twins the best of luck.

AFRICA - A local woman living in a small village in the heart of Africa has come forward with startling accounts of small children as young as 6 months old, disappearing in her village in the middle of the night.

"At first we thought it was a wild animal," the woman said through an interpreter. "We would sit inside our huts and watch the bush and there would be shaking and rattling of the leaves and eventually it would stop and we would go to sleep. When we woke up, a child would be gone."

Police in the woman's provence have been searching for the culprit, even trapping and killing a huge wild boar and examining the contents of its stomach for possible clues.

"Unfortunately, we did not find the body of a child," the official said. "There was a license plate, some ammunition, and a partially digested Ipod. That is all."

Fed up, the local woman risked life and limb and waited outside her hut in the middle of the night to see what was going on.

"If it was a tiger, I would have been killed, but it wasn't. It was Madonna."

The woman even took pictures and organized a stake-out that revealed other Hollywood stars, like Angelina Jolie, raiding the village in the middle of the night.

"When we saw them," the woman said, "We were quite relieved. They were very nice. They took the children, but they left us with many gifts. Angelina gave everyone "A Mighty Heart" t-shirt and cap. Madonna signed her name in the dirt. The woman from "Weeds" left us DVDs from her show. We can't watch them, but the remaining children use them as frisbees and to chop scorpions in half."

NICASIO, California - After a blockbuster opening weekend, you can't blame George Lucas for having a smile on his face. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull", despite mixed reviews, opened Memorial Day weekend by taking in something close to $130 million dollar, prompting Lucas to begin talking about plans for a 5th Indiana Jones film.

"I've already got the story idea and have written about 20 pages of the script," Lucas said, from the comfy confines of Skywalker Ranch. "It's going to be called 'Indiana Jones and the Mystery of Ayn Rand's Brain'."

"I think this really gets to the heart of one of my great childhood fascinations and one of the biggest cultural phenomena of the 1950's. I mean, we've done the Nazis to death and now we've done aliens and I think if we want to get this film off the ground soon, we've got to pick another topic from the 50's and who better than Ayn Rand?"

According to Lucas, the nascent plot features an aging Indiana Jones who's finally retired from his rollicking, archaeological ways after selling his personal artifact collection to a private gallery for millions.

"He buys an island and disappears," Lucas comments. "It prompts the world to wonder 'Who is Indiana Jones?" after museums all over the world begin to suffer attendance drops and people lose interest in archaeology."

Neither Steven Spielberg or Harrison Ford could be reached for comment, though Lucas said he had reached an agreement "in principle" for Hayden Christensen to play Ayn Rand.

CANNES, France - Following the premiere of the new Indiana Jones film and a standing ovation by many in the audience, actor Harrison Ford revealed that he doesn't read movie reviews, good or bad, and couldn't care less what critics say about him. Film critics throughout America responded with shock.

"Everybody reads me," Roger Ebert said. "I don't believe Ford. He's read me. I know for a fact that he read my review of "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" because in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade," his improvement was a direct result of what I said. And besides, everybody reads me."

Film critic Richard Roeper called Ford's comments "insulting" and referred to the 65-year-old actor as "Mr. Poopypants." Roeper also let it be known that he would immediately change his rating on the new film, "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" from four stars to one star.

When film critic Michael Medved was reached for comment, he broke down in tears when told that Harrison Ford didn't read his reviews and dropped the phone, which was then picked up by his wife who explained that Medved was lying on the floor in the fetal position and had soiled himself and was no longer available for comment.

Rolling Stone's film critic, Peter Travers, said that he would meet Ford "anywhere, anytime" and "kick his wrinkly old ass" just to prove that Harrison's macho legend was complete "bullshit".

ENCINO, California - In what was described as the most beautiful, gorgeous wedding the planet Earth has ever seen, pop star Ashlee Simpson, younger sister of Jessica Simpson, and Pete Wentz married at the home of Simpson's parents in a private, highly secretive ceremony.

"It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen for under five hundred thousand dollars," said Simpson's mother. "I'm sure there's never been anything like it."

Also in attendance were Nicole Richie, Donald Faison, Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, and a gaggle of characters from Disney movies past and present including Snow White, Dumbo, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and many others.

Little birdies carried the bride's vale overhead as Simpson and Wentz walked down the aisle while music was whistled by various forest creatures.

"It was just a dream come true," Snow White said. "It was like the most magical, beautiful, amazing wedding I have ever seen. Peter was Ashlee's Prince Charming and right as they kissed the sun set over the land and the happy forest creatures sighed like everything in the world was suddenly right. I'll never forget it."

CANNES, France - Actress Scarlet Johansson has decided to skip the premiere of her new Woody Allen movie in Cannes over a dispute about her accomodations and demands by the star that film festival officials describe as "unrealistic".

While it is normal for A-list stars to receive preferential treatment and a wide variety of perks, unnamed sources within the film festival have divulged some of the items on Johansson's bizarre list of demands. Among them are a bidet that uses a rare French wine, a midget who can sing opera and operate small electronic devices, and a monorail constructed from Johansson's hotel balcony to the red carpet so that she can avoid unnecessary encounters with the paparazzi.

"The wine bidet is not a problem at all," one official noted. "And truth be told, we even found the midget. We had to go to Argentina to do it, but we found the midget and flew him to France. However, the monorail just couldn't be constructed within the two week time frame we were given."

According to the official, these demands were just a few of the many requests. Others included having the eyes of any hotel employees who looked directly at Johansson's breasts ground out with a fork, playing tracks from her new CD on the hotel intercom twenty-four hours a day, and hiring "people of color" to drink her spit.

HOLLYWOOD - Commenting on her recent pregnancy, actress Jessica Alba revealed that "sex is no big deal", which comes as a crushing, ego-annihilating commentary on her fiance, Cash Warren, who's on record stating that sex with Alba "kicks some serious ass".

"Look, man," Warren stated in a January interview, "sex with Jessica kicks some serious ass. If I had ejaculatory organs all over my body, the site of her naked figure would light me up like the Christmas tree at Rockerfeller center, you know, if that tree was sperm-producing. Maybe a fountain of some sort would be a better analogy. You know what I mean, right? I'd be this giant spooge factory."

However, this opinion appears to divulge wildly with Alba's assertion that sex is no big deal, casting doubt on their sexual compatibility.

Noted sex expert, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, says that it's not uncommon for partners to have different experiences during sexual encounters with one another.

"Men are often focused on the ejaculation while women require a deeper emotional connection to achieve sexual fulfillment."

Asked to comment on the apparent disparity between their "experiences of the same event, Warren was philosophical.

"Dude, I'm sleeping with Jessica Alba!"

CANNES, France - The slow leak of secrets concerning the birth of twins to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt has turned into a tidal wave. First, Jack Black revealed that the star was expecting twins during a press conference for "Kung Fu Panda". Then, Dustin Hoffman revealed the expected date of the delivery. Now other cast and crew members are getting in on the act.

"They are twin girls," revealed co-star Jackie Chan. "I was present at the ultra-sound and the doctor said that Angelina would be giving birth to two girls. It was wonderful."

Lucy Liu, who plays Master Viper in the upcoming film said: "Her breasts have grown from a D-cup to a double-D. They're tender right now and the areolas are starting to darken a bit."

Finally, directors Mark Osborne and John Stephenson of the upcoming animated flick about a panda who does Kung Fu revealed: "As with most early pregnancies, there's a certain amount of vaginal discharge. Angelina has quite a lot of it at this time and we're surprised that the scent is so pleasing. It actually smells like potpourri. We're putting it in jars and passing it out to the cast for their trailers. I also think we'll be including it in the materials we send out to the press. It's going to be such a wonderful memory of our time here and on this movie, which is due to release on June 6 at a theater near you."

LOS ANGELES - After yet another driving fender bender involving Britney Spears, police searched her Mercedes and discovered, much to their surprise, that the pop star had a small plasma television mounted on the steering wheel.

"I've seen people try to do a lot of things while driving," said one officer. "I've seen people read the newspaper. I've seen them put on makeup. I've seen oral sex at high speeds. This has got to take the cake though. It appears she actually tries to watch television while driving."

Although Spears was not available for direct comment, one of her representatives said that Spears had the televisions mounted on the steering wheels of all her cars so that she'd have something to do while sitting in traffic and so that her kids would be distracted when sitting in her lap.

"She never, ever watches it while she's actually driving," the representative said. "She either turns it off or switches to a channel that she would never watch, like CNN."

Police wouldn't say whether or not they would issue Spears a citation for the television, saying that they didn't know if, technically, it was illegal. However, they were willing to cite the television as the likely cause of many of Britney's driving mishaps.

"Certainly, it must have played a factor in those accidents if she had it on," one officer noted. "I suppose that maybe it's a relief to some people those accidents were actually caused by an outside factor rather than just the excuse that she's a complete idiot."

HOLLYWOOD - Sporting an engagement ring on her finger, actress Kate Hudson, daughter of Goldie Hawn, revealed that she had indeed said yes to a proposal from one of the Wilson brothers.

"Luke proposed to me and I said yes," she told a group of reporters.

When one of the reporters asked why, if she had agreed to marry Luke Wilson, was she always pictured hanging out with Owen Wilson, Hudson insisted that she had never dated Owen, only Luke. When one of the reporters showed her a picture of Owen Wilson, she looked dumbfounded for a moment.

"No, that's Luke Wilson. That's who I'm engaged to. His name is Luke. I've only ever called him Luke."

After several reporters explained to her that, in fact, she was dating Owen Wilson and not Luke Wilson and that Owen was the one who had tried to commit suicide and Luke was the one who hadn't, Hudson let out an expletive and quickly left the room.

Shortly thereafter, a representative for Hudson emerged and explained that Hudson had been under a lot of stress lately and was not herself and that another announcement about her engagement would be forthcoming.

NEW YORK - Calling the effect of the writer's strike on the fall television lineup "negrigible", a group of television executives from the major networks released portions of their fall tv lineup. Although top-heavy with reality television shows and comedies starring thirty-something buddies trying to get chicks, executives refused to acknowledge that the lineup was anything less than "stellarific".

NBC announced three shows it hoped would attract viewers including "The Store", about a bunch of employees working in a convenience store; a game show sponsored by Ebay called "Trade or No Trade", and a new hospital drama about young doctors called "Operating Room".

ABC announced several shows directed at women including one about a young magazine editor called "Ugly Veronica"; a show about a bus that crashes into a mysterious crater in the Australian outback called "Vanished"; and a spin-off of "Desperate Housewives" about a group of stay-at-home dads.

CBS announced "CSI: Vegas", "CSI: Los Angeles", and "CSI: Seattle".

Fox revealed the most about its lineup with four new shows: "Where the F*** is my Kid?" where kids as young as four are dropped in cities across the world and must figure out how to get their parents to pick them up; "Ryan Seacrest is a Tool", featuring the American Idol host building stuff; "American Idolatry" which follows crazed fans of the hit show and how they worship stars of the show; and finally "Is that my Dookie?", featuring homeless people from across America vying for dinner and a place to sleep if they can identify their own fecal matter.

NEW YORK - Uma Thurman and French cosmetic company Lancome are fighting over the use of Thurman's image in an advertising campaign after her contract with the company lapsed. Thurman is demanding $1 million for the unauthorized use while Lancome has countersued. The images featuring Thurman have appeared on Canadian billboards and on Asian web sites.

Thurman's lawyer, Bertram Fields, is particularly upset with Lancome's campaign in Canada.

"The campaign they are running in Canada features Uma giving oral sex to a giraffe. I really have no idea how that sells face cream."

Lancome spokesperson Irunn Fromwar responded, "There are very few people in Canada. Even fewer of them drive. We discovered that unless you use a very provocative image on a billboard, nobody pays attention. We did study after study that discovered that Canadians are very fond of giraffes."

Although the advertisements on the Asian web sites might be considered equally offensive, as they feature a CGI image of a naked Thurman, her exposed posterior, and a game involving ping pong balls in which the user who gets the most ping pong balls in a cup wins a free tube of lip balm, Fields appeared to have no problem with it.

"Asia is a great market for us, so we're open to different kinds of promotions. Canada is a different story. Until the Canadians start buying product, we're not going to indulge them. I think the entire country bought one case of face cream last year. My mother-in-law uses that in a week.

COLORADO - Today, in Denver district court, a film critic by the name of Mr. Cranky filed a $20 million dollar lawsuit against American Idol's resident cranky critic, Simon Cowell. The suit alleges that Cowell manufactured his persona after discovering Mr. Cranky on the Internet in the late 1990's.

"Simon Cowell is effectively the Mr. Cranky of music," said the attorney for Mr. Cranky. "He's stolen the persona of an innocent person and made millions off it. We believe Mr. Cranky deserves to be compensated."

Lawyers for Mr. Cranky also presented evidence that Cowell, despite his gruff demeanor, isn't the cranky bastard he appears to be on television, which lends more evidence to their contention that the persona was stolen. Lawyers showed photographs of Cowell frolicking in the ocean, smiling with fans, and playing with a puppy.

"Mr. Cranky is the real deal," they explained. "He never frolicks. He never smiles. If he sees a puppy, he either kicks the puppy or its owner. Mr. Cranky is the real deal."

Although most legal commentators surveyed believed the suit was without merit and would be tossed out of court, Mr. Cranky's lawyers were optimistic for an out-of-court settlement.

"Sure, the $20 million would be great, but if we could get a couple of six packs and a new plasma out of it, we'd be cool."

Mr. Cranky's lawyers also felt that this was just the beginning of a long and profitable litigious future.

"If this doesn't stick, we'll be going after that Gordon Ramsey guy next. That's basically Mr. Cranky in the kitchen."

LOS ANGELES - As both Britney Spears and ex-husband Kevin Federline arrived in court yesterday to hash out the details of Spears' visitation rights for 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, things seemed perfectly normal until about thirty minutes into the proceedings when Sean Preston raised his hand.

"Judge, are you aware of the 1976 court ruling regarding visitation rights for mentally incapacitated parents? It states quite clearly that decisions should be rendered with regard to the child's welfare, but also after consultation with the child as to his or her opinion on the matter."

"And do you have an opinion on the matter?" the judge responded, somewhat dumbfounded.

"Oh, yes, your honor," Sean Preston said confidently. "We don't want that bitch anywhere near us. She's bonkers."

Following Sean Preston's statement, the court went into immediate recess. Sean Preston was given an IQ test and scored 210.

Representatives for Spears suggested that the entire thing was a stunt orchestrated by Federline to maker Britney look bad.

"Clearly, the public is meant to see that, while with Britney, the kids were being used as air bags, but while with their father, suddenly they're quoting obscure legal texts. This is an absolute manipulation of the custody process."

Representatives for Federline fired back that getting a two-year-old to quote legal decisions would be nearly impossible."He doesn't even go to the potty by himself yet," one of them said. "I don't know where this came from."

Reporters attempting to get Sean Preston's comments on the way out of court following the proceedings were met only with cries of "I want Thomas! I want Thomas!"Some reporters thought this might be a reference to Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, but were later informed that it was actually Thomas the Tank Engine, a popular children's television character.

LOS ANGELES - Following an evening that Simon Cowell described as "officially, the strangest show we've ever done", celebrity judge Paula Abdul was taken into her dressing room by Fox officials and given a full body cavity search in an effort to find illegal drugs, which were cited as a possible reason for her inexplicable behavior during the show.

During that show, following the first of two performances by the five remaining idols, Abdul began giving her evaluation of contestant Jason Castro's second performance - a performance he had yet to give.

Said Fox Television CEO Rupert Murdoch, "There's no explanation for that type of behavior other than drugs, so I authorized a full body cavity search. America is fighting a war on drugs and I'm willing to go wherever that war demands, even if it's up Paula Abdul's arse." However, Fox officials said that following the hour-long process, no illegal drugs were found.

"All that we found was a Vitamin C bottle filled with cotton balls and a bag of three-year-old catnip. That was just in her purse though, not in any cavity," the official said. Cowell, who appeared truly flummoxed after the show, was contemplative when asked to comment.

"Anybody who knows Paula or who has sat next to her for any period of time, is aware that complete stupidity can often be mistaken for hard-core drug use."

When reached for comment, Abdul was reserved in her criticism of Murdoch. "Well, I think Rupert is doing what he knows how to do best and I'm just amazed by his courage. I think he, you know, does this stuff and America loves him for it and I just love him."

LOS ANGELES - Teen pop sensation Miley Cyrus has stunned the world by admitting to taking showers and bathing in the nude. The revelation comes at a time when Cyrus is already embroiled in controversy surrounding revealing pictures of her in Vanity Fair.

"That's true," Cyrus said. "I shower completely naked. If I showered with any clothing on I wouldn't get very clean and I would smell."

Images of Cyrus, alone in her shower, completely nude, will undoubtedly factor into the fantasies of millions of teenage boys around the world, says psychologist Milton Rasmussen.

"Teenage boys have a very high level of testosterone in their system," said Rasmussen. "Now that Miley's shower status has been revealed, many of them will fantasize about her being nude. This will undoubtedly raise the level of the number of them manipulating their genitals and masturbating to thoughts of Miley showering. It's possible this could lead to an additional 400 tons of sperm being deposited into the world's sewer systems."

Officials at the Office of Homeland Security and Department of the Interior could not be reached for comment about whether or not such additional deposits might damage those systems or possibly touch off a national emergency. However, a spokesperson for Kimberly-Clark Corporation, the makers of Kleenex brand tissue, said that they were looking forward to a rise in sales.

LOS ANGELES - The Mexican house lady for hotel heiress and celebrity icon Paris Hilton reported that an unflushed toilet in Hilton's Hollywood mansion revealed a shocking surprise.

"I was cleaning the upstairs bathroom," the woman, whose name was withheld due to her pending immigration status, said. "and there was a bodily unit still in the toilet. I was going to flush it, but it looked like the blessed virgin."

Although Hilton could not be reached for comment, an official spokesperson revealed that Hilton's fecal exploits have extended beyond the religious in the past, which has led to the lack of current bathroom etiquette.

"She had one that looked like Elvis last year. It sold on Ebay for over two thousand dollars," the spokesperson commented.

For now, the housekeeper is storing the deposit in her freezer until she travels back to her native land.

"People will come from miles around to see it."

And Hilton's excrement could be coming to a town near you as well. The housekeeper has already been contacted by several agencies who are willing to pay big bucks for the deposit, as well as others, so that they can put together a traveling road show.

"Elvis, Jesus, it's only the beginning," one agency rep commented. "If we can get her to squeeze out something that looks like Miley Cyrus, we could have a multi-million dollar tour on our hands."

LOS ANGELES - The youngest American Idol contestant, 17-year-old David Archuleta, has looked near unbeatable during his time on the #1 rated show and is already the presumptive winner according to many. However, insiders have revealed the secret to his perpetual smile and overwhelming boyish charm.

"He's animatronic," an unnamed source behind the show revealed. "We were trying to keep it a secret, but something happened at the end of yesterday's show that's going to get out sooner or later, so we thought we'd just come clean."

Apparently, Archuleta is modeled after one of the singing dwarves in Disneyland's "It's a Small World" exhibit. The same source said that the idea was concocted after last season after a computer simulation was run and came up with a dweeby, sing-songy, goofy-looking 17-year-old, near pre-pubescent boy as the perfect Idol contestant.

"We went to Disney," said the source, "and they built this thing in like an hour."

Although the exact details of how Archuleta's secret got out weren't divulged directly, witnesses said that David Cook and Jason Castro grabbed Archuleta's Ipod and were playing a game of keep-a-way. After a few moments, when the two realized Archuleta was starting to cry, Cook threw it back to him but the uncoordinated Archuleta failed to catch the Ipod and it hit him in the forehead.

"It made a sound like dropping a bedpan out a third-story window onto cement," Cook commented. "Right then, we knew something wasn't right."

HAWAII - Faced with phone lines inundated with callers asking "What the fuck?", "Lost" producers Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof have decided to give in and reveal all of Lost's secrets for its remaining time on the air.

"We're just tired of answering questions," Cuse said. "It's like, every other week, somebody is requesting an interview wanting to know whether or not Jack goes back to the island in the end or what the nature of the black cloud monster is or whatever. I'm just so goddamn sick of it. It's a fucking tv show for Christ's sake. Just wait. But no, people apparently do not understand the linearity of storytelling. They want to know everything right away. They can't wait from one week to the next. Well, fuck 'em then. Here are all your answers. Stop calling.

And what are those revelations? Here's just a sampling:

- Hurley will return to the island, undergo a gastric bypass in a tent, and look exactly like Julio Iglesias.

- Kate will give birth to a child who has Jack's eyes, Sawyer's hair, Ben's chin, and Jin's forehead.
- Charles Widmore will turn out to be Juliet's father.
- Sawyer will play nursemaid to Locke after Locke loses his ability to walk again, becomes incontinent, and has his head begin travelling through time.
- It turns out that Jacob is just gassy.
- Walt will become so insufferable during his teenage years that Michael will lose all motivation trying to make him proud.
- Four different main characters will have fingers cut off by Said during different interrogation sessions.
- All the different characters who've died on the show will reappear and perform an amended version of "Cats" on a stage constructed entirely of branches.

- Claire will file a restraining order against Charlie's ghost for appearing in front of her whenever she's taking a pee.
- There's no island. Pam Ewing dreamed the whole thing.

TELLURIDE, CO - Sitting on his comfy leather couch, talking to Oprah Winfrey, Tom Cruise made a stunning admission, one that many people had already assumed despite his three marriages and the birth of his daughter, Suri. That's right, Tom Cruise admitted to being gay.

"Oh, absolutely," he told Winfrey. "I am tremendously happy. My life is wonderful. I'm overjoyed."

"So," Winfrey continued, putting the end of her pinky finger in her mouth like Dr. Evil from the "Austin Powers" films. "Would you say you're... gay?"

"If you mean gay as in happy, elated, overjoyed, then yes, I'm definitely gay."

Rumors of Cruise's gayness have been circulating in Hollywood for years. Those rumors became even more powerful following Cruise's infamous couch jumping episode on "Oprah". Concluded one top Hollywood executive: "Anyone who would jump up and down on a couch like that just has to be gay."

In addition to his admission, Cruise's wealth has always thought to be a source of his gayness. He's also a person who smiles a lot, a trait of gay people.

Although his admission might hurt the career of a lesser star, those inside the industry say that Cruise is as popular as ever and that his gayness shouldn't impact him one bit.